Means and Ends
by icallitfunny
Summary: C/O story post 'Sympathy for the Parents' 6x19. There will be no Teddy in my story and will focus mainly on the fight against PTSD.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rhimes.

* * *

It hit Owen like a ton of bricks when he saw Cristina instinctively draw back. Words were unnecessary. Cristina's body arching away and her brows spelling out guilt on her face were all that were necessary for it to finally dawn on Owen. He was scaring the woman he loved. He had been dragging himself into this black hole without realizing the effects it had on Cristina. And it took Cristina being scared of Owen to realize the issue that was staring point blank in their faces. He had problems–big problems–and he needed to go back to Dr. Wyatt.

* * *

"It's been awhile since you've been back Owen," greeted Dr. Wyatt. "I was hoping you'd be back sooner."

It had been 6 months since Owen had last talked to anyone about his Iraq tour. Owen started sleeping without meds and stopped having flashbacks. Dr. Wyatt and Owen both agreed that weekly sessions were not necessary, but she did insist on coming back every month for a check-in. Owen had been slacking on the monthly check-ins. He believed he was fine and was so desperate to get on with his life with Cristina.

"I'm back," Owen acknowledged with a nod. "I'm slipping and I'm scaring Cristina again."

"Scaring Cristina?" Dr. Wyatt asked while trying to hide the concern in her voice. "What happened?"

"Nothing happened." Owen was at a loss as to where to begin.

"You and I both know something had to have happened in order for you to be sitting here in front of me." Dr. Wyatt needed Owen to start talking in order to move forward.

"I didn't hurt her, dammit!" Owen raised his voice. "I didn't touch her!"

Dr. Wyatt responded with what Owen needed to hear–silence with the exception of his own thoughts. Owen was beginning to let his emotions surface and she had no intentions of asking him to calm down. She sat back and let Owen release his anger.

* * *

"So I told Derek we would make pretty babies. Well actually, he said that to me first and I just agreed with what he said. So it wasn't my idea but yeah, we had the baby talk." Meredith was rambling on to Cristina. "Of course, we're not trying for one right now. But maybe soon. Wow, I cannot believe we're having this conversation right now."

Cristina was clearly not in the mood for a talk regarding Meredith and babies. Last night had been rough for Cristina and Owen, and emotions were still raw. Cristina turned a corner and picked up her pace.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Meredith was still rambling incoherently. "Are you listening to me? I had the worst mother in the world and I, Meredith Grey, decided I want babies… with McDreamy!"

Still getting no response from Cristina, Meredith stopped and looked at Cristina. Cristina was beyond not listening to Meredith. She wore an expression of concern mixed with exhaustion, sprinkled with heavy guilt. Her normal sharp and fierce eyes were soulfully wet. The normal Cristina would be currently fighting for surgery at this hour or telling Meredith to shut up and that she would indeed be the worst mother in the world. This was not Cristina.

Meredith reached out and placed her hand on Cristina's sunken shoulders. Cristina forced a small smile and acknowledged with a nod and said, "Rough day already."

"You want to talk about it?" Meredith focused on Cristina.

"Later," answered Cristina. "Lunch."

"Okay, let me know when you're taking lunch," offered Meredith.

* * *

Owen walked out of Dr. Wyatt's office 20 minutes past their ending time. His face was red and his body was heated. He was riled up and felt anger throughout the whole session. Anything Dr. Wyatt said made him defensive and caused him to argue with her. He hated every minute of the session he spent with Dr. Wyatt.


	2. Chapter 2

It was the third consecutive week Owen had been seeing Dr. Wyatt and there was no progress. Owen still had trouble placing his feelings and emotions were being released without direction. The more Owen realized how much he had been withdrawing from Cristina, the more the anger boiled inside in him.

"Nothing's changing," Owen vented to Dr. Wyatt and paused. Owen picked up after a brief silence and proceeded, "I'm still not sleeping. I'm still not talking. I'm still not opening up. And I'm so…so… scared that I'm still hurting Cristina."

Dr. Wyatt assessed the situation. PTSD in army men and women was still a relatively new field in psychology. It took an average of two years for symptoms to manifest in most cases and by the time America was taking note of PTSD in army men and women, tens of thousands of soldiers abroad were already signed up for a fight in the hell dimension when they returned. Psychologists and researchers all hopped on board as soon as they were alarmed, but research was still very much behind the severity of the disorder. Progress was slow and everything seemed to work against treatment, except for time.

"Tell me what I need to do to move forward," Owen asked. "Tell me my next step to take for Cristina."

"Owen, this isn't about Cristina," Dr. Wyatt cautiously started.

Owen opened his mouth to argue, "This has everything to do with Cristina. The reason why I'm here is Cristina. The reason why I want to get better is Cristina. The reason why I need to get better is Cristina. Do not tell me this isn't about her."

Dr. Wyatt was used to Owen defending their relationship and his love for Cristina. She was aware of his yearning for Cristina and saw his frustrations with his own inability to express his true thoughts and emotions. Deep down it pained her to see this wounded man so deeply in love with a woman, unable to move forward in their relationship.

"Owen, listen to me." Dr. Wyatt wanted Owen to leave with this thought. "We first started meeting, what a year and a half ago? It took us 6 months to finally get to one major trigger to your nightmares–the fact that you did not tell your mother you were back. As soon as you did, you slept in peace for the first time ever. That alone took 6 months."

Owen reflected and realized the length of time.

Dr. Wyatt went on. "It took another 6 months for you to tell me how you ended up joining the army and your first tour. We agreed that we would explore from the beginning, looking for anything that can be a trigger that may arise in the future. We were moving along smoothly and you were at an understanding that progress will be slow and PTSD will never go away. But PTSD can be controlled and get better with time. We can peel away the layers, one by one, but it will never completely go away."

Owen interrupted, "I don't have time to sit back and discuss every single thing that can be a trigger. Everything is a goddamn trigger!"

Dr. Wyatt calmly resumed, "We agreed to work on addressing all the triggers. You stopped coming. I know the beginning and I know how it ended. Owen, what happened in between? What happened in the remaining three tours? The meat and the substance of your problem is in the middle, and you are not willing to talk about it."

Owen knew his last trigger was the patient who had requested for physician assisted suicide and the correlation it had with Dan during his third tour. He was able to place the trigger. "There were hundreds of events that happened during those three tours. Hundreds. And I can barely remember half of what happened. How in the world am I ever going to get through all the events? It's impossible. You're telling me this is how I am going to be for the rest of my life and this is what Cristina also has to deal with?? I-I can't do this."

"Owen, it's only going to get a lot worse before it gets better," advised Dr. Wyatt. "You know that that is the reality."

It pained Owen to ask Dr. Wyatt, "So what the hell am I going to do?"

"I can't tell you what to do. I can't make the decisions for you." Dr. Wyatt needed Owen to come up with a solution for himself and what was best for Owen and Cristina.

* * *

Every morning Meredith looked at Cristina and asked with her eyes if she was okay. Depending on the day, Cristina either ignored the looked or started talking. They had an unspoken agreement for a month now and Meredith was there every morning, asking with her eyes. This morning, Cristina opened her mouth.

"I'm at a loss, Mer," Cristina started. It had been a month and a half since Owen had been seeing Dr. Wyatt. "I dunno if I'm being too impatient or if I'm starting to lose hope. He's still not talking to me about it. I don't even know how his sessions are going with Dr. Wyatt. I'm scared even mentioning 'Wyatt' would trigger something inside him."

"Cristina…" Meredith began. "I know you might think I'm only saying this because I'm your person and I am obligated to say these things to you, but hear me out. This doesn't sound like a healthy and safe relationship. You're scared to talk to him, to ask him questions. That's not right. No, there's something seriously wrong with that."

"Okay, it's not that I'm scared he's going to hurt me or anything like that," Cristina clarified. "I'm scared my questions are just going to drive him away. Further into that dark place of his. I'm scared I'm worsening his PTSD."

It finally dawned on Cristina. She was not worried that Owen was going to strangle her again, but with her around, Owen will never get better. Cristina remembered Dr. Wyatt's concern in the beginning of Owen's sessions, _'Owen's post traumatic stress is fed by his avoidance of talking about anything in the war. In order to improve, to heal, he's going to have to start talking about it. And, my concern is, if you get lost in the lust of it all… he won't have to make a start. He won't have any reason to. He'll feel that he has everything he needs, until he doesn't. If you get lost in the lust of it all, he will have everything, until he has nothing left anymore…' _They were spellbound in the magic of love and lust, and now, Owen was resisting fighting his problems in order to salvage their love. Cristina knew the next step she had to take.

* * *

"There's not much progress," Owen finally admitted to Cristina.

Cristina looked at Owen then closed her eyes. She placed her hand over her chest, soothing the throbbing pain she felt inside. She did not have the strength to look at Owen. "I know," Cristina acknowledged.

A long, silent moment passed between Cristina and Owen. Cristina finally opened her eyes and met Owen's deep blue eyes that were lost at sea, holding onto the faintest signs of rescue.

This was their goodbye. Cristina gasped as she felt a sharp shooting pain inside her chest. Tears immediately poured down and everything around her was a blur. She sobbed as Owen reached out and took her tiny hands in both his large hands. He held onto her hands without moving his body.

"I need help and I don't know how long it's going to take," Owen broke the silence. "I can't keep dragging you down with me."

"Shut up, Owen," Cristina said in between sobs. "I know."

Owen took a step forward to hold Cristina. He wanted to soothe her and have her in his arms for the mere seconds they had left. Cristina took her hands out of his grasp and held her hand up, while taking a step back. She gently shook her head resisting his touch. Cristina was afraid one touch from Owen would break her into a million pieces.

Cristina would never know how much this killed Owen inside. Owen felt as if all his organs were twisting and shutting down. He felt pain in every single cell of his body. He hated how he had to focus on himself, first and foremost, in order to protect Cristina. He couldn't stand putting himself first, but knew there was absolutely no other way for them other than saying their goodbyes for now. Just for now. Owen was willing to do anything and everything for Cristina and if that meant having to walk away now for a future together, he was going to do it. Even if it was killing him for now.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rhimes.

* * *

Cristina was moping around, kicking Callie's boxes that were spread out in the living room.

"Hey, watch it!" warned Callie. "I have some fragile dish casseroles in there. They were my best friends when I was going through one of the worst times in my life. Hey, maybe you should pick up cooking!"

"Ha, yea right," scoffed Cristina. "And be liable for food poisoning? No thanks; I'm a doctor–I save lives."

Callie smiled and encouraged, "Hey, you never know. You did start cleaning after Burke. Maybe cooking is next on your to-do list."

It was moving day for Callie. Callie and Arizona decided to take their relationship to the next level and found a place together. Callie held off for a month telling Cristina before Arizona had to have 'the-roommate-or-the-girlfriend-conversation.' It was no lie Callie moving sucked for Cristina. She was losing a roommate, company, and an always-present confidant. All this on top of having lost a man she loved. It did indeed suck for Cristina, hence her moping and kicking around Callie's belongings.

"You know it would help if you help us move the boxes with your arms and not your feet," Arizona said while entering the living room.

Callie and Arizona were beaming from ear to ear; they were in their honeymoon phase. Cristina was in no mood to hang out with the captains of the cheerleading squad. "Sorry I, personally, would love to help but my arms are just not as willing," Cristina responded wryly while taking a long swig of her beer.

"It's okay!" chirped Arizona. "I asked some sexy hospital men to help with the move."

Cristina's heart skipped at the sound of Arizona mentioning Seattle Grace men coming to help. Would Owen come? Would Arizona ask him? She might–she sometimes did too much talking and not enough listening. Callie quickly caught onto Arizona's insinuation and added, "Oh right. When's Sloan, Karev and Avery getting here?"

Cristina sighed at her foolishness in hoping Owen might show up. She would have been irked if he did show up but at the same time, would have appreciated his presence. It was lose-lose either way, and she was thankful that Callie clarified before her mind ran a marathon with thoughts of Owen.

"Big boys are here to help," Alex's voice boomed from down the hall. Alex and Jackson stepped into the room filled with boxes.

"Oh, where are they?" asked the slightly buzzed Cristina. "No way we can do this with four girls."

"Four?" asked Jackson. "There are five people here. You're not helping?"

"This _is_ me helping," answered Cristina.

"Okay," Sloan walked in with dolly. "Truck is waiting at the front. Let's start stacking the boxes."

The room was emptied out in three trips with the help of everyone. The apartment cleared out to make a last run to the truck. Cristina got up from the couch and looked around the apartment. She entered Callie's room and looked around the barren room. She noticed the bigger dimensions of Callie's room. She noticed how the windows were much brighter and taller in Callie's room. _'Room hogger,'_ Cristina noted. It occurred to Cristina that she was suffering in the old room she shared with Owen. She barely slept at night from his remnants in the bedroom that was still very much alive. Cristina couldn't breathe in her room; she decided to switch rooms.

Everyone came back up to take a final look to make sure nothing was left behind.

"Check now or you're never going to get it back," warned Cristina.

"I think we have everything. Let's go." Callie and Arizona started towards the door, hand-in-hand.

"Okay. Jackson and I will meet you guys at the place to help unload," said Alex.

"Thanks Karev," responded Arizona. Callie turned around to say goodbye to Cristina. She wanted to give her a final hug but thought better of the situation, fully knowing Cristina did not do hugs. "See you tomorrow." Callie said her goodbye.

"Mmhmm," responded Cristina. "Finally, I can throw all-night sex parties I've been holding back on. And you're not invited," grumbled Cristina. When Owen was living with her, Cristina always thought the apartment was too small and privacy was limited. Now, she felt she was drowning in the space and emptiness.

Before Alex and Jackson could get out the door, Cristina stepped in front of the two and closed the door behind her. "Help me move my furniture," demanded Cristina.

"Oh, is this Yang asking for help? I seem to remember Yang stating girls are not strong enough to move heavy furniture," teased Alex.

"What's in it for us? Are we invited to the sex parties?" asked Jackson.

"Asses," muttered Cristina.

"Oh, I guess help is not needed." Alex reached his hand towards the door.

Cristina immediately stepped in between. "Next surgery's yours," she offered Alex.

"Cardio surgery," Alex pushed. Cristina was notorious for hogging all the cardio surgeries and the other residents barely logged in cardio hours. "And post-op notes for a month."

"Deal." Cristina was determined to switch the rooms and there was no way she was able to do it herself. Cristina looked at Jackson. "You?" she asked. "No way I'm giving up two surgeries, something else."

Jackson had a strange smirk on this face. "Date. Go on a date with me," Jackson slyly insisted.

"I don't date girls," Cristina shot back. "I'll get you a drink," she offered instead.

Jackson knowing he was pushing his limit, accepted. "Fine, deal."

Cristina lead Alex and Jackson in her room and starting stripping her furniture. Cristina only needed help with the bed and her two main dressers. Others, she was able to move on her own. After smoothly moving the large furniture into Callie's old room, Cristina finally released her hold on Alex and Jackson.

Cristina quickly reached into the refrigerator and pulled out a beer and tossed it to Jackson. Jackson looked at her quizzically, finding it odd she only gave him and not Alex.

"Beer. I got you a drink," explained the deadpanned Cristina.

Jackson opened his mouth to resist, "Wait, wait, that's not what I meant!"

Cristina pushed the two out of her apartment and slammed the door in Jackson's face.

"Hahaha," laughed Alex. "Duu-uude, you got played."

"Shut up, man," Jackson popped open the beer and chugged away.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rhimes.

* * *

_**Kelly Clarkson–Cry**_

_If anyone asks,_  
_I'll tell them we both just moved on_

People were taking notice at the hospital within months of their separation. For once in her career, Cristina went out of her way to specifically ask Dr. Bailey not to assign her to traumas, unless necessary. For the first time ever, she asked Dr. Bailey as a woman to woman, and Dr. Bailey did not ask twice.

_When people all stare,  
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk _

Cristina found herself in the same situation she faced two and a half years ago. Nurses, interns, residents and attendings were staring. There was a hush that followed Cristina as she walked down the hallway.

_Whenever I see you,_  
_I'll swallow my pride_  
_and bite my tongue._  
_Pretend I'm okay with it all_  
_Act like there's nothing wrong_

Cristina kept a blank face during the day. When they bumped into each other in the hallway or the cafeteria, she kept her pain inside and refused to show emotions at work.

_Is it over yet?_  
_Can I open my eyes?_

Cristina never allowed herself to get more than mere seconds glance at Owen. She controlled her eyes to look past any redheads that passed her way.

_Is this as hard as it gets?_  
_Is this what it feels like to really cry?_  
_Cry_

But when she did catch a glimpse, a throbbing pain rose from her chest and rolled into a huge ball that was caught at her throat.

_If anyone asks,_  
_I'll tell them we just grew apart_

No one asked the reason. There were assumptions made and gossips shared, but no one dared to ask. Cristina was prepared with reasons but no one asked.

_Yeah what do I care_  
_If they believe me or not_

There was something obviously different about this situation and Burke. Then, she told the truth. She told people she was left at the altar and did not hesitate in displaying her anger. Owen, she had reasons made up and was ready to defend. But no one asked.

_Whenever I feel_  
_Your memory is breaking my heart_

Memories lurked in every corner of the hospital. She turned a corner and that is where they had their first fight. She went down the hall and that is where they first met for a coffee break. She went down to the basement, and that is where time and place stood at a standstill with Cristina and Owen together, forever.

_I'll pretend I'm okay with it all_  
_Act like there's nothing wrong_

So she avoided on-call rooms. She avoided taking the elevator for the fear of being in the same space. And she never went below the first floor, afraid to find herself lost in the vent.

_Is it over yet?_  
_Can I open my eyes?_  
_Is this as hard as it gets?_  
_Is this what it feels like to really cry?_  
_Cry_

Home is where Cristina closed her eyes.

_I'm talking in circles_  
_I'm lying, they know it_  
_Why won't this just all go away_

Cristina never opened her old bedroom. Owen's scent clung to the walls of their space. His presence remained in her sheets and his love was alive in every corner of the room. She could not breathe in that room.

_Is it over yet?_  
_Can I open my eyes?_  
_Is this as hard as it gets?_  
_Is this what it feels like to really cry?_

Precious time was passing. Days were going by before Cristina could wake up to face another day.

_Cry_

Pain was excruciating and there was nothing to take to ease the heartbreak.

_Cry_

Cristina cried on the outside and died a little inside everyday.

* * *

_**Jack Savoretti: Between the Minds**_

_I've never been the one to shout because I listen  
I don't like to raise my voice_

Owen was never a man of words. He communicated with his eyes and his actions spoke for himself, often acting on impulse. Many a times he could not explain himself for the situation but deep down in his heart, he knew the reason. The first time he saw Cristina, he had a gut feeling that she was his love.

_Maybe I should learn to lose my inhibitions  
and let my feelings make some noise_

Owen desperately tried to keep his distance from Cristina. He wanted to keep himself at bay. He wanted to maintain a professional decorum at work as he was her boss. He told himself over and over again, until the one fateful day when his body took over his mind. He released, as he no longer could contain his desire for Cristina.

_You don't know what I'm going through  
When silence is all I give to you  
_

Owen was in love. He never quite felt this yearning for a woman and never desired someone to that extent. No one ever had quite the effect like Cristina had on Owen. But he was suffering from his past. He was haunted and he refused to pull Cristina into his dark place. He wanted to be the only one suffering, but failed to realize they were one by that time.

_So hear me, if you're out there  
Take these words and try to understand  
That I want you, and I need you, to take the hand of a quiet man_

Owen was voiceless. Owen kept his silence. But throughout it all, he wanted her, he needed her.

_I love the way you hear the words unspoken  
It's like you read between the minds_

Words were often unspoken but their eyes told a different story. All they ever needed was to look each other in the eye. That magical moment was all they needed to reconnect and feel the love.

_You know before the silence has been broken  
Well, at least most of the time_

Silence was understood. But not at all times. As Owen fell deeper into his hole, PTSD was manifesting itself at an alarming rate. Owen could not raise his voice or reach out a hand to hold. He was sinking fast.

_But I don't know what you're going through_  
_It must be something I didn't say to you_

It is absolutely selfish for Owen to want Cristina when it was his doing that got them this far. She was an anchor in his life. She was the only thing that kept him together until he started blocking the only thing that mattered in his life.

_So hear me, if you're out there_  
_Take these words and try to understand_  
_That I want you, and I need you, to take the hand of a quiet man_  
_Of a quiet man_

It killed Owen to see Cristina at work. It devastated him love was not enough. He hated himself for making them where they ended up. And he was scared she would never, ever know his love for her.

_So hear me, if you're out there_  
_Take these words and try to understand_

He once told her he's not there anymore; he never left her in the first place.  
He once told her he did not need her; he never yearned for anything greater in life.  
He once told her they needed to stop seeing each other; he never meant a single word.  
He once told her he was not thinking of anything; he never meant to not say anything.

_That I want you, and I need you, to take the hand of a quiet man_

Owen wanted to get better for Cristina.  
Owen needed to get better for Cristina.

_Of a quiet man_

Owen admitted to Cristina he needed help.

_Of a quiet man_

Owen started seeing Dr. Wyatt.

_Of a quiet man_

Owen lived for the day he will eventually talk to Cristina.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rhimes.

* * *

Meredith went over to Cristina's as soon as her shift ended at 7PM. It was any other work day at Seattle Grace Hospital but Meredith was alarmed. Cristina called in for a personal day. Cristina who consistently logged 100 hours a week, had 7 weeks of vacation accumulated since her first year as an intern, called last night to take a day off.

"Cristina!" Meredith banged on the door. "Cristina! Are you okay???" Meredith pressed her ear against the door, trying to hear sounds of life.

The door flew open as Meredith toppled into Cristina's apartment. "Uh, hi there," greeted Cristina. "What are you doing here, creep?"

"Oh my god!" Meredith grabbed Cristina's arms. "Are you okay??? You called out! I was so worried!"

"I'm entitled to take one day off in four years," Cristina stated the obvious.

"You weren't answering your phone calls. No one knew where you were. You called out." Meredith keep going on. "I was so worried. You don't know what was going through my head throughout the whole day. I almost gave up a dual-stage pancreatic surgery to break down your door but it was my first time seeing an entire pancreas being taken out. So I stayed. And you would have too. But I was worried throughout the whole surgery! Don't ever do that again!"

"Take a Xanax and calm down," said Cristina. "I just needed a day to take care of some things. Well, I'll tell you now since I already have my applications in."

"Applications?" Meredith asked. "Wait, applications usually mean you are trying to get into something. It's the beginning stage of a process."

"Wow, someone's got their thinking cap on today," quipped Cristina. "Applications. I'm applying for residency at Cleveland Clinic and Johns Hopkins."

Meredith's jaw dropped and her green eyes were wide in shock. "WHATTT??!!!"

"Did you have dinner yet?" asked Cristina. "I was going to order Chinese, what do you want?"

"WHATTT??!!!" Meredith repeated.

"Yep, believe it or not they actually deliver Chinese food these days," teased Cristina.

"Okay, I did not hear that correctly. Let's have this conversation again." Meredith insisted.

"Mer, there will be no re-conversation because there was no conversation," explained Cristina. "I decided. I've been thinking. Ever since with me and Owen… it's been too hard. And the Seattle Grace cardio has been a revolving door since Burke. I've learned absolutely nothing in the last year and a half. You know I've been thinking about switching programs even before. It was pushed to the back burner after a certain army dude… but now, I have absolutely no reason to stay."

"Cristina," argued Meredith. "You can't decide this on your own." It wasn't fair that Cristina was going to drop this bombshell on Meredith and she hated but worried about how Owen would take this news.

"And why the hell not?" defended Cristina. "I need to move on with my career. I can't stay and wait around for a cardio god to show up. It's damn time I find one and turn _myself_ into a cardio god. Mer, I need distractions. I need to go back to being Cristina Yang and... I only have myself right now."

"What about me?" asked Meredith in a small voice. "What am I going to do?"

"Oh, please you'll be fine," assured Cristina. "You and McDreamy will have beautiful babies born with perfect wavy hair. Unless, they get your genes and end up with split ends by month four." Cristina tried to make light of the situation.

"Seriously?" asked Meredith.

"Seriously," answered Cristina. "You'll be fine. I need this."

"You need this…" Meredith understood Cristina.

"So what do you want for dinner?" asked Cristina while picking up the phone to order for delivery.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rhimes

* * *

Cristina settled in her seat and fastened her seat-belt. 'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on-board Flight 274 with service from Seattle to Cleveland. We ask that you please fasten your seat-belts at this time and secure all baggage underneath your seat or in the overhead compartments. Thank you for choosing Continental Airlines. Enjoy your flight.' Cristina was on her way to interview with the program coordinator for Cleveland Clinic and Johns Hopkins. Due to the time required for traveling, she decided to take a week off from work. Cristina flew out of Seattle with her heart weighed down by conflicting emotions.

* * *

Owen had a very hard time tracing back to his second tour. Whenever he intentionally tried to recall his tour, out came nothing but empty memories. He remembered who was on his tour, the months he was there but could not remember specific events. Memories were still lost in his mind.

"It was a scene of a man walking on an empty road. He was facing forward and walking towards me. That's when my freezing occurred." Owen explained his brief freezing moment the night before while watching a late night movie, an attempt to keep his night moving along.

"Was he carrying anything? What was he wearing?" asked Dr. Wyatt, trying to get a full description of the image that caused the freezing.

"No belongings, just plain jeans and shirt," recalled Owen. "No cars, no trees. Just man on a road."

"It seems as if something happened right after which you cannot recall but your body remembers," advised Dr. Wyatt.

Owen wore a tired expression on his face as he answered, "Yeah. Same story, something in my memory that I cannot recall but causes me to have freezing moments. What else is new? Dammit."

"You sitting here, talking to me about it–that's progress," explained Dr. Wyatt. "Being able to recognize certain images as trigger–that's progress. You need to take recognition for these feats. Small but they will carry you to the end goal."

Owen was not so easily sold. He so desperately wished he could remember things so he can talk about it. The blank memories were a hindrance to his progress, to being able to be with Cristina again and hold her in his arms. God, he missed her every minute of everyday.

Owen snapped out of his thoughts as Dr. Wyatt went on, "You seem frustrated and tired. Your body remembers it Owen. Give time for your mind to listen to your body. But before then, right now, the issue is not that you cannot recall the traumatic events. It's that you are unable to contain your traumatic experiences, you have lost your sense of what was then and what is now, and you have become afraid of your own body. We cannot move forward to address your memory, before addressing body and time awareness. Patience."

"Time," replied Owen. The fact that time was such a huge factor in an effective treatment for PTSD drove him over the edge. Each minute could not have felt any more precious than now. Owen was increasingly becoming aware that even a lifetime with Cristina was not enough.

* * *

Owen rushed to the ER as soon as his session with Dr. Wyatt was over. He was paged with an incoming trauma.

"Joshua Dunn, 30 year old, GSW to the chest. Immediate return of 800 CCs of blood from the chest, he's put out more than 200 CCs in the past hour," announced the paramedic.

"Okay, bring him over to trauma one, push five of morphine and page cardio right away," instructed Owen.

"What do we have here?" asked Dr. Hall, with Meredith right behind.

"GSW straight to the heart. Doesn't look good–we need to get him into surgery right away if he has a shot at living." Owen was disappointed Cristina was not with Dr. Hall. He couldn't help but hope that he would have the whole day with Cristina, even if it was restricted strictly for work. "Dr. Grey, take Mr. Dunn for chest films and get OR 2 ready. Going in as soon as films are in."

*

"Cristina must be quite upset you took the cardio case. I'm surprised she's not fighting you for it," Owen said to Meredith while getting ready for OR 2.

"Oh…" Meredith hesitated before going on, "Guess I lucked out, she's off today."

"Oh, I see," muttered Owen, silently cursing the gods for sending over a cardio case today and not tomorrow. "How is she doing, if you don't mind me asking?" Owen gently asked.

"She's holding." Meredith was very short with her answers, as if almost afraid of saying something more than necessary.

Owen knew Meredith would not tell him much as he was sure he was not on her list of her favorite people. He hoped he would be strong enough to see Cristina and ask for her well-being himself without getting too emotional. He was looking forward to tomorrow already.

* * *

Owen paged Cristina the next day but heard no response. Owen told himself he would not be disappointed if she did not respond, but could not help but feel upset. He missed her uncontrollably and was saddened by the fact that Cristina was going out of her way to avoid him, despite not having seen each other for five days.

*

"So Interim Chief–cardio's a mess," mocked Mark.

"Don't even get me started," warned Derek. "Can't find a damn cardio god to stay in Seattle Grace and now Cristina is threatening to leave the one time I really need her to stay. I swear, I think she silently hates me."

"Silently?" scorned Mark. "Not silent, pretty apparent. But don't take it personally. She doesn't like anyone 'cept for Meredith. Oh and Army BadAss."

Owen searched the lunchroom for an available seat and saw Derek and Mark sitting at a table. He moved towards them, unaware of the conversation he was walking into. He reached closer only to overhear…

"At first, I thought it was on a whim when Meredith told me, but Yang asked me to be a reference the next day. That same day, both Cleveland and Johns Hopkins called me asking about Yang," explained Derek.

Million thoughts were racing in Owen's mind. "What???" brusquely interrupted Owen while slamming his lunch tray down on the table.

"Oh, look at the time," Mark checked his bare wrist and stood up to leave Derek to fend the wolf for himself.

"Uh…" Derek was not sure how much Owen overheard and thought it would be best for Owen to hear directly from Cristina. "Uh, not my story to tell. You should ask Cristina when she gets back."

Owen was fuming inside. He could not believe Cristina was making these decisions without even bothering to include him in her plans. The heat of the anger quickly transpired into a searing pain in his chest. He was undeniably hurt and upset. "When is she coming back?!" Owen demanded an answer from Derek.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rhimes

* * *

"You told Owen?!?" screamed Meredith. "W-why would you do that! Cristina is going to kill me. You have no one but yourself to blame for becoming a widower!"

"Calm down. I wasn't aware Owen was behind me when I was talking about it with Mark. Besides, Cristina was wrong–she should have discussed it with Owen before applying. She went all the way to interview for goodness sake. Imagine how Owen is feeling," argued Derek.

"Well, it's not like she decided," defended Meredith. "I promised I'll go over her house tomorrow after work to hear about how it went. How am I going to face her!"

"You'll find a way," smiled Derek.

"Well, this is all your fault. File for a missing persons report if you don't hear from me by midnight." Meredith was worried what tomorrow would bring for Cristina, and of course, herself.

* * *

"I wish I told Cristina from the very beginning," said Owen. Before Dr. Wyatt could even open her mouth, Owen intercepted, "I know what you're going to say; it's not about Cristina. I know. I know."

"Okay, then. What is this about?" asked Dr. Wyatt.

Owen took a deep breath. "I should have been honest with her from the beginning. I knew I was not together. I wasn't in denial–I _knew_. My body and mind was still living in the desert when I started work here. Cristina was the best thing to happen to me. Ever. She brought me back to the present when I was drowning in the past. And I couldn't lose that, so I didn't tell her."

"Do you believe she wouldn't have stayed if you told her from the beginning?" asked Dr. Wyatt.

"I don't know." Owen paused. "And I think that is why I still can't talk. I don't know how. Because I-I can't think about what would happen if one day she is not here anymore. I-I'm afraid."

"Your fear is groundless. It's coming from a place that does not exist," counseled Dr. Wyatt.

There was a long pause between Owen and Dr. Wyatt. Owen held his head down with his fingers intertwined into each other. Dr. Wyatt could tell Owen was thinking and let the silence pass between them. Owen finally spoke up, "Cristina's applying for other residency programs. Outside of Seattle. Are my fears really that irrational now?" Owen challenged Dr. Wyatt, annoyed she was not aware of their current situation.

Dr. Wyatt did not need a moment to think but had an immediate response, "Owen, you have never given her the chance to understand," advised Dr. Wyatt. "Your fear and PTSD have prevented you from speaking to the full extent of your heart's desire. This is not an affirmation of your fears. This is a way to stop fearing and work through the thick of the issue. By letting her know how you feel."

* * *

Cristina looked out her window thinking back to her week of travels. She was exhausted and glad to be home. Cristina never realized how much she had made Seattle home since she started her internship.

Cristina was now more confused than ever. Both Cleveland Clinic and Johns Hopkins had amazing cardio programs she would be a fool to give up. They both were interested in having her complete her last two years as a resident, with the hopes of her working as an attending straight out of residency. Formal offers were not made but were close to being a done deal for both programs.

Two of the best cardio hospitals in the U.S. fighting for Cristina in their residency program–this was what she deserved. Cristina was smart, career-driven and an excellent cardio-thoracic surgeon. She deserved to learn from the absolute best in order to reach her full potential. Her dream of saving as many hearts as she possibly can since she was nine was within closer grasp than ever before. Yet, this decision that was already a given on paper was going to be the hardest one her heart ever had to make. She needed to talk to her person for some guidance.

*

Cristina was anxiously waiting for Meredith. She was already an hour late but as a fellow surgeon, she knew anything could hold a doctor up at the hospital. She was already on her second glass of wine, pacing around in her living room when she heard the buzzing of her phone. She picked up and saw a text message from Meredith. _'I'm sorry, but I couldn't say no,'_ read Meredith's text.

Cristina was confused. Couldn't say no to what? She was about to send a reply when her doorbell rang, _'Ding-dong, ding-dong."_

"Coming," Cristina threw her phone on the couch and went to answer the door. "Mer, what was up with your–"

Cristina was greeted by not Meredith who she had been expecting, but a face she had not seen in over a week that felt closer to over a year. Owen stood in front of Cristina with a storm brewing in his eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rhimes.

* * *

Owen defiantly stood in front of Cristina with his eyes boring into hers. Cristina opened her mouth, forming an _'O'_ but no words came out. She was stunned to find Owen at her door. Owen did not speak and did not move an inch. Cristina searched Owen's eyes for reasons that brought him at her door. His eyes filled with hurt and pain answered her questions without any words spoken. She took a step back and created a path for Owen to step in.

Owen's instinct was to pull Cristina in his arms and kiss her senseless to make her feel on the inside all the reasons why she could not leave Seattle. He wanted to connect his tongue with hers, his soul with hers, making her realize that they would not survive apart without each other as oxygen. But Owen was afraid his sudden movement might scare Cristina and he could not stand the idea of Cristina flinching from him again. He fought against all his impulses and took a step inside and took a seat by the kitchen counter.

Cristina quietly closed the door and leaned against the door, standing behind Owen. Cristina was pretty sure he found out about her plans. She did not care how he heard the news, although silently in the back of her head, she was devising different ways of getting away with murder. (She hoped it was just Derek, who gave it away as Chief and not Meredith because it was much easier to get away with one body and not two.) She cared that Owen had heard the news through the grapevine, especially when the decision had not been made. Cristina's emotions were still very much conflicted and she was not leaning towards anything in specific. Yet, the damage had been done and anything else at this point would just be twisting the knife in Owen's heart.

Owen saw Cristina's travel bag in the living room. Cristina saw Owen eyeing her suitcase. She knew he knew but did not know the extent. Owen shifted his eyes from the suitcase to take a sideways glance at Cristina, still standing by the door. His eyes were asking for an explanation. A deafening silence filled the room.

Cristina walked over to the living room table and grabbed her wine glass. She brought it over to the kitchen counter and offered, "Wine? Beer?" Owen was still unresponsive and returned Cristina's question with an incredulous stare. Cristina took a seat by Owen on the kitchen counter.

Owen finally spoke up. "I was wrong. I was wrong from the beginning," said Owen in a grave voice.

Cristina was unsure of Owen's statement. She looked at Owen with a curious look.

"You never asked, so I never told you. But it should have been me. I've been afraid to not exist in your world. I-I've been scared for some time now that one day you will realize that I am not good enough for you." Owen spat out his many thoughts in rambling sentences. Every sentence was heated, filled with intensity.

"Owen, retract. What are you saying?" asked Cristina, not sure whether or not his anger was directed to her or himself.

"I should have told you on the vent. I should have started out with the reason why I sought out for the vent in the first place. I brought you into the vent and when I shared it with you, that was when I involved you. I should have told you then what I was going through," explained Owen more in-depth.

"I knew you had issues. Why would it occur to you now that you needed to tell me then?" Cristina was not following where Owen was going. "I knew–you know that I knew."

"Because maybe then you would have shared yourself with me. Because it's killing me that I have to find things out about you from other people. It's so unfair to me and maybe I made it that way by not sharing with you in the first place," Owen heatedly expressed his frustrations and his disappointment.

Cristina realized Owen was leading into her not discussing her plans. "I've been honest with you as much as I could have been. Besides... this situation..."

Cristina's words were cut off by Owen. "So many things I had to hear from others and everything that was ever important to you, I had to hear from others. Your relationship with Burke, your almost marriage with him and now, this." Owen bore his stormy eyes into Cristina's. "You've made me sad. I can deal with the other things not hearing from you but this, when it has to do with you and me... when it matters to both of us..." Owen trailed off, finding it hard to place his hurt in words.

Cristina had no defense for Owen's claim. It was true she kept many things to herself. She was so used to being private, even in relationships. Owen never probed so she never realized the extent Owen wanted to hear things directly from her. "I didn't make any decisions," said Cristina while taking a sip of wine.

Owen responded, "I realize this only now after putting things in perspective. To hear that you might leave Seattle..." Owen was unable to finish his sentence as emotions took over and was at a loss of words, yet again.

"I wasn't going to make any decisions without talking to you first," answered Cristina, wanting to make Owen realize he was going to be included in her final decision.

Owen raised his voice, "What does it matter?? You applied, you interviewed. And tonight, you were going to talk with Meredith first." Owen paused then continued in a softer tone, "You are the love of my life, Cristina. When will I become yours?" The storm in Owen's eyes died down and was now soft and damp from the aftermath.

Cristina sternly took her stance, "You know where my priorities stand."

"Fine, I can deal with you placing career first. I understand that. No, I respect that. but what, there's no we in those plans? It's that easy for you to move forward?" Owen challenged with a tired voice.

Cristina sighed and answered in frustration, " No, you don't get to make it seem as if this decision was easy. You don't get to make me the selfish one here right now. I'm stuck in life right now, mainly because _we_ are stuck and we can't move forward." Owen did not get to play the '_we'_ card on Cristina. "I haven't learned anything from the past year and a half. I'm stuck in all aspects and right now, I need to find an out. I'm dying here without you, without learning. I'm dying here right now, Owen."

Unable to take in the tense atmosphere between her and Owen, Cristina got up from her seat, and walked around the counter to pour herself another glass of wine. Owen reflexively rose and grabbed Cristina by the wrist, not wanting to end this conversation. Cristina turned around from his hold and took a step back, her back finding the wall. Owen noted Cristina backing away but did not want this to be the end. Owen firmly grasped her hands into his and forced her eyes to meet his desperate eyes.

Owen was desperate for Cristina to understand how much he needed her. "Just give me a moment, I'm never going anywhere else. I'm in this for the lifetime to be with you. After I get better... I'll be happy to go wherever you want. We can pick up and move where you are happy and learning. I don't care where as long as it's with you. Just please promise me there is a _we_ in your future."

Owen drew his body closer, closing the gap that remained between the two, without letting go of her hands. Cristina avoided his eyes and struggled to push Owen away with her hands still engulfed in his. Owen refused to let Cristina push him away and kept her hands down. He looked at her face that was facing the floor and tilted his head to gently kiss her lips, bringing her face up to meet his with his lips. Cristina resisted but there was nowhere for her to go except closer to Owen. Cristina shifted her head and said, "Wait, wait."

Owen took his lips off her lips and released one hand from his grip. He took his free hand and gently caressed Cristina's face, making her face him directly. "I need you. Please, we can be, things can be. Cristina… I _will_ die here without you."

Cristina hated how she lost all control when it came to Owen. One look at his pleading eyes was all it was eventually going to take for her to form her decision. Tears pooled in her eyes as she realized what she just put Owen through in the last week. Shooting pain rose from her chest and she whispered, "Owen…"

Owen leaned over, trailing kisses down Cristina's face from her forehead, to her tear filled eyes. He gently kissed her sorrows away and finally met his lips with hers. He landed a soft sweet kiss on her pouty mouth while whispering, "I love you."

Cristina responded by grabbing the back of his neck with both hands. She pulled him closer and hungrily met her open mouth with his hot lips. She forgot the powerful effect Owen's kisses had on her. Cristina felt her whole body was on fire and her lungs were filled with oxygen. She felt alive, every cell beating to the touch of his body. Owen's tongue intertwined with Cristina's, finally speaking to each other in the best way they knew how. They found themselves swirling in each other's passionate love.

Owen grabbed Cristina's waist and hoisted her against the wall so they were eye level with each other. Cristina instinctively wrapped her legs around Owen's waist for support. Owen eagerly angled in to Cristina's creamy neck and gave soft nibbles down the side of her neck, down to the top of the breast. Owen grunted, unable to hold back and grunted in a low whisper, "I want you… tonight."


	9. Chapter 9

Discretion: can be considered M for Mature, I would say.

Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy belongs to Shonda Rhimes.

* * *

"I want you… tonight," growled Owen in a low whisper.

"Mmm," moaned Cristina in Owen's ear. Owen wrapped his thick arm around Cristina's tiny waist with one arm and dug his hands in Cristina's unruly hair with his other. He peeled Cristina away from the wall and started towards their bedroom.

"No, no…" redirected Cristina into his ear. "Other room."

Owen tore his lips from Cristina's neck and looked up to meet Cristina's eyes. "Hm?"

"Switched. Other room." Cristina quickly answered and stole Owen's lips once again.

Without asking twice, Owen hoisted Cristina and moved into Callie's bedroom. He opened the door and slammed the door behind him. He took a quick glance at the room and gently laid Cristina down on the bed. Owen hovered above Cristina with his arms supporting his weight. He peered below and Cristina answered before he could ask, "Callie moved out. I moved into her room."

Owen did not need to hear the reason for the move. It was clear Cristina tried to find an out before her decision to apply. Owen lowered his body and took over Cristina's lips with his. "Sorry. Sorry for leaving you alone," Owen spoke without parting from Cristina's lips.

Cristina's eyes pooled with tears. The throbbing pain in the chest she carried for the last three months being separated from Owen dissipated with every kiss. Cristina was being smothered with Owen's kisses, yet she was inexplicably finding it easy to breathe for the first time in months. Owen was her oxygen to her lungs.

Owen savored every time his lips met with hers. He took turns tasting her lower lip and then upper lip. He sucked greedily, filling his appetite with Cristina's soft lips. Cristina's lips were the only craving that filled his appetite.

Cristina sneaked her hands under Owen shirt and felt his warmth under her hands. She tugged the bottom of his shirt and Owen without hesitation, tore the shirt from his torso. Cristina slightly rose to angle her body and Owen pulled her shirt over her head, and fervently rested his bare torso on top of hers, desperate to feel the soft contact of her stomach against his. Not to crush Cristina under his weight, Owen palmed the small of her back and rolled them over so she was on top. He expertly unclasped her bra and Cristina slightly lifted off to throw the bra off to the side. Owen's hands were all over Cristina as their tongues were doing a dance of their own.

Cristina hated to break the moment but there was no other time than now. She parted her lips from Owen's and looked him in the eyes and said, "Condom. I'm off the pill."

Owen's slightly closed eyes fully opened at Cristina's words. He was staggered Cristina had the sense to tell him in such a heated moment. Fully knowing they were at different stance with the topic and not wanting to ruin the night, Owen rolled Cristina over, gave a soft kiss and replied, "I'll go get."

Cristina did not need to hear Owen speak for her to see the effect her words had on Owen. She knew from his eyes that he was upset that she had the sense to stop in the middle. She couldn't help but say it then because Cristina knew once she lost her panties and Owen took over, there would be no coming back.

Owen returned with a condom in hand and tossed it over Cristina's head. He swiftly moved his hands to the button of her jeans and took charge. Cristina and Owen melted into one, taking each other out of the world to a climax of no return.

* * *

Cristina and Owen's wet bodies were pressed against each other, limbs tangled into one. Soft panting was the only noise in their room, both trying to catch their breath from their ardent lovemaking. Owen's large hand caressed the small of Cristina's back to the curve of her behind. Cristina's head rested on Owen's outstretched arm. They looked at each other, finding each other in their eyes.

"I haven't been sleeping well this week," Owen softly admitted to Cristina.

"Okay," solemnly responded Cristina.

Owen had a small grin on his face. "Well, I've been sleeping better the week before. But, Derek dropped a bombshell on me about a certain someone was scheming their way out of Seattle," teased Owen.

Cristina had a sad smile on her face. She was glad Owen was opening up but hurt to hear the pain she put him through the past week. "Well, it's in the past," replied Cristina. "And Meredith will soon be a widow."

"No, then I have to share you," protested Owen. Owen took a deep breath. "I go to therapy twice a week," Owen shared with Cristina while playing with her curls.

"Must been draining," comforted Cristina while running her fingers through his facial hair.

"Yeah, it is. You know what will make it easier?" asked Owen.

"Don't you dare quit," warned Cristina.

"Only if you leave Seattle," Owen said jokingly. "No, seriously. If you come with me, maybe once every two weeks or something? That would help. I think it'll help," Owen hesitantly suggested.

Cristina intentionally crinkled her nose, "What, are you going to make me sit for an hour and talk about my feelings?"

Owen smiled and earnestly answered, "No, just sit and listen to mine."

"I can do that. If you're lucky, maybe you get to hear mine." Cristina agreed with a warm smile.

This was a start to a new beginning. Owen felt comfortable enough to admit to Cristina his progress and in due time, also wanted Cristina to open up about marriage and children.

He cleared his throat, preparing for the words he wanted to tell her since day one. Owen leaned over and kissed Cristina's smooth shoulders. "I want to be the last to kiss you on your shoulders." Owen cupped his hand on her breast and took in her nipple into his mouth. "I want to be the last one to taste you." Owen softly nibbled on the neck he loved so much, leaving a slight red mark on the curve of her neck. "I want to be the last to leave a mark on your body." Owen brought his face to meet her face and entered her mouth with his tongue. "I want to be the last to have you in my mouth." Owen parted from her lips and took in her eyes. "Cristina, I want to be your last."

Cristina was overwhelmed with the sincerity she felt in Owen's words. She never felt such pleasure from hearing such declarations from a man. This time, it was Cristina who was at a loss of words.

"You don't have to say anything. I just want you to know," avowed Owen. "I just wanted to share it with you."

"Okay," Cristina replied, her eyes glistening from the happiness she felt with Owen. Cristina responded with three words that came so easily with Owen, "I love you."

* * *

**Thank you everyone who took the time to read and even greater thanks those who took the effort to review. I hope you had a good time reading this story, as much as I had fun writing it!  
**


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